Office Policies (Oldie but Goodie)

NEW  OFFICE POLICY

Dress  Code:
1) You are advised to come to work  dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada  shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a  raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need  to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and  therefore you do not need a  raise.

Sick Days:
We will no  longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able  to come to work.

Personal  Days:
Each employee will receive 104  personal days a year.  They are called Saturdays & Sundays.    
 
Bereavement  Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing  you can do for dead friends, relatives or  co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be  scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom  Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being  spent in the toilet.  There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet  paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.  Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health  policy.

Lunch Break:

*  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they  need to eat  more, so that they can look healthy.

*  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to  get a  balanced meal to maintain their average  figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for  lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you  for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns,  complaints,  frustrations, irritations, aggravations,  insinuations,  allegations, accusations, contemplations,  consternation  and input should be directed  elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on  to all who are employed!