"Our" Little Secret

My sis G told me that I have a heavy heart {her observation after reading my writings & being in my company} & unfortunately, I know she's right.

What I thought was a nightmare, really wasn't.  It was a repressed memory.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, my mother had a friend named Perry. I never got the impression that he was her boyfriend, but now that I am grown, I know that they had an intimate relationship. I always thought he was a nice man. He always brought me & my sister trinkets, dolls, etc. when he came to visit. Even gave us a few bucks when the bomb-pop truck or Mr. Softee truck came around.

One day he came to see my mom and brought goodies for me & my sis like he always did. I was outside playing & came in to get a drink of water. My mom was in the bathtub {I could hear the water running} and he was sitting in the living room watching TV. He was dressed nice so I think they were probably going out.

As I was drinking my water, he motioned for me to come & sit down. I did. He asked me about school & such. Then he proceeded to tell me how tall I was getting & how pretty I was. As I was telling him about what I was doing in school, he slid his hand between my legs. I had never been so scared in my life. He motioned with shhhhh gesture & I sat there, silenty, tears running down my face.

A few moments later, my mom opened the bathroom door and yelled to him that she'd be out in a minute & closed the door back. He leaned over and whispered, "this is our little secret" in my ear.

When the bathroom door opened again he moved his hand & I ran to my room. I crawled under the sheet & cried. My mom heard me sniffling, because I wasn't a noisy crier. She peeped in my room & asked what was wrong. I told her I fell off of my bike.

After that day, I always made sure that he would never catch me alone & I made sure my sister was with me when he came to our house. Even though I was too afraid to tell what happened to me, I couldn't let it happen to her.

25+ years have come & gone. This is the first time I've ever told anyone about this. I never told my mother, grandparents or uncle. I thought it was my fault for accepting his gifts. I thought it was my fault for wearing shorts. I thought is was my fault for being big for my age. I thought I had done something to deserve this & it was all my fault. So until today, I remained silent.

I now know that it was not my fault & I didn't deserve this. No child does!

I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to finally let this shit go!!!!!!!

I can only hope anyone reading this who has unfortunately had a similar experience will be able to release it and let it go.