Domestic Violence - Don't Suffer in Silence

http://msmo72.multiply.com/video/item/34/Syleena_Johnson_-_Hit_on_Me_
This is real music with a powerful message!

Waiting on the "Other Side"

I'm a die-hard fan of CBS's Ghost Whisperer.  It even scares me sometimes, but I still love it.  If you are not familiar with the show, it's about a young woman who can see and communicate with "earth-bound" spirits - those who haven't crossed over due to unfinished business, mostly.

Here's my question - if you are believer, when your time comes, who is the one (1) person you think will be waiting for you in "the light" and/or who is the one (1) person you want waiting for you?

For me, the list is long but if I have to choose one, it would be my daddy.  I had so little time with him, but I still miss him so.

PS Happy Valentine's Day!

She Would've Been 21 Today...

http://msmo72.multiply.com/video/item/131/Missing_You_-_Happy_Birthday_Tyra
My baby sister would've been legal today. I miss her so much.

Facing & Forgiving

As I sit here watching an episode of Lockup, my mind start to go in a 1000 different directions.  The fact that my sister would've 21 years old this week didn't help.

This particular episode features a meeting of a convicted murderer and the victim's (part of a drug deal gone bad) mother & wife.  Apparently, it's part of a program some prison system offers.  The mother read a letter that she had written before she arrived to the meeting & gave the offender a chance to respond.  In the end, he said he'd never ask her forgiveness & she interrupted, stating she already had.  She didn't forgive the act but she forgave the man who made a terrible decision.

It really made me wonder if I could ever face & forgive the lousy bastard who maliciously & senselessly murdered my mother & 10 year old sister - two very innocent individuals. 

I did, along with several family members, have the chance & took full advantage to address this coward during his court sentencing.  The court gave us the time we needed to speak what was on our minds & hearts.  The emotions were extremely high.  While addressing the offender, my aunt & sister's father let their rage get the best of them.  I was sure they'd both be detained if not arrested, but it didn't go that far.

Even when we questioned their killer all he did was shake his head - almost in shame, but I wasn't buying it.  He never even looked up (which, in hindsight, was probably best and on the advice on the public defender).

Over decade later this whole ordeal still haunts me & probably always will. 

I had to pick out a headstone for my mother, while this bastard can still pick up the phone to call his. 

Forgiveness? I'm just not there yet.

"Don't trip, He ain't thru with me yet." ~Steve Harvey~

 

SYTYCD - Powerful Breast Cancer Tribute

This is a very powerful & emotional dance piece dedicated to breast cancer.

I cried. I haven't been effected personally (thank God), but I surely felt the pain.

Best & Worst Mother's Day

For all the Mommies, Step-mommies, Grand-mommies, Big Mamas, Madea, Nanas, etc.

Tell us about your best & worst Mother's Day.

The Best - My son (about age 5 at the time) brought home a card he made at school.  I swear to you that card looked as if it had been stepped on, chewed on & cried on, but he gave it to me as if it were the Hope Diamond.  I'm sure the poor card struggled from school on Friday to giving it to me that Sunday.  My Mother's Day breakfast consisted of 2 cold hot dogs & a bowl of Trix...oh & some dandelions he picked from the yard (lol).  I ate my breakfast it like it came from a 4 star establishment & displayed my dandelions on the etagere because my baby did it all by himself.  A day I'll never, ever forget.

The Worst - Mother's Day 1999 - the 1st without my mother.  No one to buy a card & gifts for & no one to call.  The absolute worst.

Muda Would've Been 93. Happy Birthday Grandma!

http://msmo72.multiply.com/journal/item/83/Happy_Birthday_Muda_1916_-_2000

Boyfriend 2.0 + Me = ?

Sisters, I value your input & this is only open to a select few of you.....and my apologies for the scattered thoughts as they are all over the place at the moment.

While I really do love this man, I have to let him go...at least for a little while.   We've had a pretty decent relationship considering we're both pretty stubborn & outspoken.  We've had our ups & downs but nothing we couldn't get past.  Sometimes it was hard because I'm an admitted grudge-carrier and he's the exact opposite.  You piss me off and I'll ignore you for days.  Piss him off at noon and he'll be wanting to cuddle by 2pm.

We had an issue Superbowl Sunday & it got outta hand.  There was no violence, but if looks could kill...  Anyway, a chain of events was triggered (I may come & fill in the blanks later) and things haven't been right since. 

Earlier this week we got into a heated argument that ended with him destroying some things his money did not pay for and in turn I had to call the police.   I was in total shock by his behavior!  Even tho we argue, he's never got violent.  Since the damage he caused to my property was over $1,000, a felony warrant was issued for his arrest.

Keep in mind, this man is my cousin's bro-in-law and I've gotten to know his family pretty well over the last year.  They all were genuinely happy about our relationship.

So, after I called the cops, I called his mother, aunt & 2 brothers.  Like me, they were in disbelief, but never questioned my honesty about what he did.  They knew it was true.  His brother even drove almost 200 miles the next day to come & get him but they couldn't find him.

A few days went past and I didn't hear from him.  Then I start to receive "restricted" calls on my cell. (I have Privacy Manager on my landline.)    I answered a few times & he just held the phone.  I called my family & friends so they would know what was happening.....just in case.  His family would call everyday to be sure I was OK as he was not responding to their calls.

Late Saturday night, he calls and begs me not to hang up and to hear him out.  It was about 2:30 am and even tho I was/am still pissed, I was not in the mood cuss a negro out.   He apologized & admitted his rage was fueled by alcohol and I told him he needed to go home (his aunt works in the mental health field)  & get some professional help, as he was out of control.  Surprisingly, he knew I was right.   I later found out that his brother urged him to call me and apologize even if it got him cussed the hell out.

He goes on to tell me how he cannot believe he fucked the best thing that's ever happened to him (i.e. me) and how his family is livid with him about what he did to me.  He didn't want to face his family because he was/is ashamed & embarrassed about the damage he caused. 

I found out today that his aunt is sending him away to an alcohol treatment program (thank you Lord!).  Shortly after I got that news, I got another apology voicemail and a request that I be there when he leaves. 

Even tho I'm still pissed about the aggravation this whole event has caused, I still want him to get help & get better.  He's a good man, with a heart of gold, he just needs to sever the relationship with the liquor.

I'm still undecided about being there when he leaves, as I know people in his shoes need all the support they can get.  However, I am not dropping those charges until I get restitution, paid in full, plus some.

You Brought Me Through (I think)

Rating:	★★★★★
Category:	Music
Genre:	Christian & Gospel
Artist:	Jennifer Hudson

Let me say this, Jennifer had me tears when she sang this song last nite. (Sorry, if that's not the title.) It was VERY emotional for me, as I know what she was probably thinking & feeling as she sang. There's no way I could've done the same. She's truly a gem. Her Angels were definitely smiling upon her last night.

I *hate* December

I'm not looking for a pity party, just releasing....

Saturday, I attended a home-going service for my BFF's grandmother.  Afterwards, I went to my mother & sister's grave and had a good long cry with my 2 BFF's right by my side.  {Boyfriend wanted to go, but he can't stand to see Superwoman cry so I told him I had who I needed and would be OK....and I was.}

I've lost way too many people I love in this 10 day span of the calendar, including but not limited to:  my daddy, mother, sister, a boyfriend, an aunt, an uncle and grandmother (the last 3 were not my blood-my BFF's-but they were my family all the same).

I did some shopping for gifts today hoping it would lift my spirits, but I guess my spirit just ain't feeling it.

Next December, good Lord willing & the creek don't rise, I'll be on somebody's all-inclusive resort or cruise ship. 

Throwback Thurs ~ Don't Take It Personal ~

My namesake pretty much summed how I'm feeling right about now....

The Meanest Thing Ever Said

I've always been one to speak my mind & have many memories of the split and busted lips I suffered during my teen years to prove it.  Those close to me know I'm not one to call shit Shinola (lawd I just dated myself didn't I?), nor will you piss on my head & tell me it raining.  It's just not happening.  I do not sugarcoat....maybe to a fault. 

I do make an honest effort not to be rude, crude or hurtful, but sometimes the truth hurts.   If you ask me, I will be honest.  My close friends and family have learned to tell me first if they just want an ear.  In turn, I've learned to keep my comments to myself.

Muda, my granny, my rock was the person who said the most hurtful thing ever said to me.  One day she was combing my hair (which was no easy task) and she said and I quote, "Your mother had to go & marry the blackest man she could find."  *sigh*  Here I am, not more than 8 or 9 years old wondering what the hell was wrong with my daddy.  I knew she loved my daddy & couldn't figure out why she would say such a thing about him.   Even tho my Grandfather & Step-Grandfather were two of the biggest, blackest men I'd even seen in my life, my granny was still color-struck. 

After that day, I developed terrible complex about my skin-tone & for those who have seen my kin, they can tell you why.  When Papa noticed he said, "Don't worry Pumpkin, the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice."  It was the 1st time I heard that & really didn't understand what it meant. 

Well, I've since gotten over it worrying about something I cannot control & that really shouldn't have bothered me to start with.

I have to admit, I can't help but laugh just a little when my family has to go lay in the sun to get a little color.  (Nothing against my light-skinned sisters & brothers, cause I love y'all too.)

I never got the chance to tell my granny that she really did hurt my feelings, and that I am happy with the skin I'm in....and so are all of my loyal fans! *wink*

"Our" Little Secret

My sis G told me that I have a heavy heart {her observation after reading my writings & being in my company} & unfortunately, I know she's right.

What I thought was a nightmare, really wasn't.  It was a repressed memory.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, my mother had a friend named Perry. I never got the impression that he was her boyfriend, but now that I am grown, I know that they had an intimate relationship. I always thought he was a nice man. He always brought me & my sister trinkets, dolls, etc. when he came to visit. Even gave us a few bucks when the bomb-pop truck or Mr. Softee truck came around.

One day he came to see my mom and brought goodies for me & my sis like he always did. I was outside playing & came in to get a drink of water. My mom was in the bathtub {I could hear the water running} and he was sitting in the living room watching TV. He was dressed nice so I think they were probably going out.

As I was drinking my water, he motioned for me to come & sit down. I did. He asked me about school & such. Then he proceeded to tell me how tall I was getting & how pretty I was. As I was telling him about what I was doing in school, he slid his hand between my legs. I had never been so scared in my life. He motioned with shhhhh gesture & I sat there, silenty, tears running down my face.

A few moments later, my mom opened the bathroom door and yelled to him that she'd be out in a minute & closed the door back. He leaned over and whispered, "this is our little secret" in my ear.

When the bathroom door opened again he moved his hand & I ran to my room. I crawled under the sheet & cried. My mom heard me sniffling, because I wasn't a noisy crier. She peeped in my room & asked what was wrong. I told her I fell off of my bike.

After that day, I always made sure that he would never catch me alone & I made sure my sister was with me when he came to our house. Even though I was too afraid to tell what happened to me, I couldn't let it happen to her.

25+ years have come & gone. This is the first time I've ever told anyone about this. I never told my mother, grandparents or uncle. I thought it was my fault for accepting his gifts. I thought it was my fault for wearing shorts. I thought is was my fault for being big for my age. I thought I had done something to deserve this & it was all my fault. So until today, I remained silent.

I now know that it was not my fault & I didn't deserve this. No child does!

I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to finally let this shit go!!!!!!!

I can only hope anyone reading this who has unfortunately had a similar experience will be able to release it and let it go. 

You and Me ~ 1975

by The O'Jays

Ever been in love & tried to convince yourself it was over, knowing in your heart & soul it wasn't? If so, this one is for you.

Are You My Sister? Siblings Unknown....

I'm the eldest of my mother's 3 daughters.  We all have different fathers and the younger two were born out of wedlock.  {When we were younger, I was very hateful at times (hush) and would tease my middle sister about her illegitimate status.}

My mother once told me that my daddy suspected he had an older daughter from a relationship prior to marrying my mother.  If I remember correctly, my daddy was never able to confirm or deny fathering this child before he died.  I was too young to really care when my mother 1st told me about it. 

Every now & then I can't help but wonder if I have an older sister out there somewhere. 

All my life I thought my last name was very usual & relatives would be easy to find.  Not so, but thanks to the world wide web, I've learned my surname is not so unusual at all.

I've posted a few messages on a few family websites with the hopes "my sister", her mother or even some other relative would see our father's name & reach out.  Wishful thinking, huh?

 

Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now!! (My Victory Song)

My friends have posted several videos/songs that reflect their mood after yesterday's victory. Why should I be any different? Like Frankie B (not my daddy..the other one...lol) sang, "We Are One!"

PS I am soooooooooo proud of each & every one of you who stood up & made your mark on this historical event!

I am Jennifer...and She is Me.

I don't know her personally & probably never will, but my heart is breaking for Jennifer, her loved ones & friends.  With the exception of losing a brother (I never had one), I know exactly what she's going thru.  Maliciously losing a mother & young child, having a sister who seems to choose the wrong men, being the one who identifies the bodies, the one the police & media come to with all the questions, the one who has to take the lead & be in control, the one whom everyone seems to think is the rock & the one they all tend to lean on.

I've shared my story here, but the one thing I didn't mention is the who, as in the lousy bastard who murdered my mother & 10-year old baby sister almost a decade ago.  My middle sister was sleeping with the enemy, literally. 

10 years later & I still can't seem to wrap my mind around & get out what I really want to say.  I can say this - I hope women will wake the hell up & take a little more precaution when getting involved with men who are only out for themselves & mean no earthly good to the women they attract.  

What I went thru & what Jennifer is going thru was no random act of violence - that shit is personal!

I am Jennifer....and she is me.

Missing You - Happy Birthday Tyra

I was going to write a dedication to my baby sister, who would've been 20 years old today, but I can't right now. I'll just say it's been almost 10 years since she was killed & I still miss her so much.

She Has Lupus...

but it doesn't have her!

Although, not widely recognized like breast cancer, October is also Lupus Awareness Month. Unlike breast cancer, this affliction hits home.

The woman you see in the wedding gown has been one of my best friends since high school. Shortly after her wedding in 2006, she was diagnosed with Lupus.

When she told me, she was in tears & I was certainly taken aback. I had no clue of what to say. I had heard of Lupus but really had no idea what it was. She explained what she had gone thru & all I could do was cry.

I'm happy to report my friend is doing well & enjoying her life. She has a great husband who knows what those vows meant.

I pray for my friend's healing & I know, with God, all things are possible.

She will be celebrating her 38th birthday in a few weeks & God willing, I'll be right there celebrating with her.

Babies & Fools

Rating:	★★★★★
Category:	Other

They say God takes care of babies & fools. I, for one, know that it's true.

My boy, who thinks he's grown, but still a baby & a fool, finally realized the err of his ways. Tired of job hopping & wanting something better for himself, he enlisted in the National Guard.

I wasn't overly thrilled but anything beats the path to self-destruction. Yesterday, he called me excited about the test they had given him & the trade options offered. My son, affectionately & sometimes not so, called "the boy" is going to basic training next month & will have a gig as a Water Treatment Tech! Of the options offered, he chose this, as he found the science of it all "very interesting". You could've knocked me over with a feather!

God is taking care of my baby!!

Now I wonder when & if I can start to collect on those "loans"....hmmmm. *lol*

Love,
Stephon's Proud Mama (once again!)

PS ...and he also needs $165 to get his car fixed until his money starts. That's my boy!