She Would've Been 21 Today...

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My baby sister would've been legal today. I miss her so much.

Muda Would've Been 93. Happy Birthday Grandma!

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Presidential Old School Swagger

 

 

Missing You - Happy Birthday Tyra

I was going to write a dedication to my baby sister, who would've been 20 years old today, but I can't right now. I'll just say it's been almost 10 years since she was killed & I still miss her so much.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy birthday Frankie B! You would’ve been 65 years old today…wow!  Officially a senior citizen!  :)

It’s been 34 years since you left this earth & this letter to you will be short & sweet* since my time with you was extremely limited.

Daddy, 1^st of all, I want you to know even though I have only a few vague memories of you, I love & miss you so very much!

You know Muda taught me never to question His Will, but Daddy, I can’t help but wonder why you were taken away from me, from us. Thanks to your baby sister, Mama, Muda & Papa, I know what a wonderful man you were, how you provided for us and how you loved & adored your Chocolate Doll aka Me!

Do you know that I had one of your old pajama shirts & I slept in it quite often? I had it until it fell apart in the washer. For some reason sleeping in that shirt made me feel protected.

Mama also kept your walking stick for many years. She explained to me how that accident at work caused you to lose your sight & you had to get that stick to help you get around. Mama also told me that you wanted her to put you in a home once your sight was completely gone because you couldn’t bear to be around me & not be able to see me. I’m sooooooooo glad she didn’t listen to you! Daddy, the few memories I do have are more precious than you know.

I also had your old lawn chair & no one could sit in it but me! I stored it under my bed just to be sure nobody touched it. Selfish, I know. I kept it until it finally fell apart.

I also asked Mama why we only had a few photos of you & she told me you were extremely camera-shy. Even though a few people think I look like you, this is definitely one trait your one & only did not inherit.

Do you know I cry every year on my birthday because that’s the day I miss you the most? The only explanation I can come up with is that I know I was definitely Daddy’s Little Girl & my birthdays would’ve been that much more special with you spoiling me even more rotten than I already was (thanks to Muda).

Do you know when I hear “Precious Lord” I immediately start to cry? I know this song was sung at your funeral & even though I don’t recall that day, this song takes me there.

I often ask, “Why did my daddy have to die?” when so many monsters continue to roam the earth. When I asked Muda, she said, “The good die young and His Will be done.”

If a little girl ever needed her father, it was me! Daddy, I know you loved Mama, just like we all did, but you know your wife/my mama was off the chain and I say that with the utmost love & respect.

When Muda found out I was pregnant, the 1^st thing she said was, “This wouldn’t be happening if your daddy was alive!!” For some reason, I tend to believe her.

Sometimes when weird would stuff happen around the house, especially in a room I happened to be in, Mama & Muda would say it was you trying to get my attention. I told them I didn’t believe in ghost. Muda said, “If your daddy appeared to you right now, would you believe?” My answer was no. Then she said, “If your daddy appeared to you right now & slapped the taste outta your mouth, would you believe?” My answer was an emphatic, yes!

Muda also believed that I was always under your care.  Daddy, I did get out of pocket at times & just thinking about some of the crap I did gives me chills.  I got myself into some very foolish and sometimes dangerous situations, but I always made it out unharmed.  Muda would say, "Silly child, there's an angel on your shoulder and it's your daddy."  Again, who I am to question her? 

Now, when weird stuff happens around my house I don’t know if it’s you, Mama, Tyra (Stephon {your hard-headed grandson} & Monte claimed they’ve seen her in the basement), Muda or Papa. I just close my eyes & remind myself that you all loved me & wouldn’t be here to hurt me.

Daddy, if I ever come into a generous sum of $$, I’m gonna move you from your current resting place & put you with Mama & Tyra. Mama would have a fit, saying it was a waste of money, but I think you’d be more comfortable there. So later for all of her yang. (Now I gotta be careful because she'll be creeping into my dreams for getting smart.)

Oh, and daddy, if I ever have the wedding I dream of, I want your spirit there. There will be 5 memory candles burning, one in your honor.

I’m gonna close this letter by saying I love you & miss you so very much.

Love always,

Monni B

PS Daddy, if it’s not too much to ask, I need you watch over my son.  Even tho it's slowly but surely getting better, I've still got the teenage boy blues.

*Not so short, huh?

Happy Birthday to Me!!! Ms. Mo - Thru the Years

1st I want to thank you all for the birthday wishes, emails, IMs, text & phone calls! I love me some y'all!!

Some of you who know me personally and those who go back to 360 have seen these photos. I know I missed a decade or two, but I'm too lazy to scan more photos right now. :o)

If you have 3 minutes to spare, take a peek at me!

What Shall We Name Her?

May 3, 1972 & that was the question.

Apparently my parents hadn't decided on what to name their 1st born until that fateful day.

Daddy had chosen Jennifer Lynn & wanted to call me Jenni Pooh.  Mama disagreed.  She didn't like either one & suggested Monica.  Daddy was okay with that & still suggested Lynn for my middle name. Mama said no.  So here's 9lbs & 1.5 oz little Monica with no middle name. 

Mama pondered the middle names of her nieces & chose one that fit, but spelled it differently. {Ya'll know how we do.}  Mama was happy & Daddy was too.  You see my family has a tendency to recycle and/or combine names to create a middle name.  Considering my grandmothers were Dorothy Mae & Lillie Mae, I'm just damn glad I'm not Monica Mae.  *gag*

Papa even threw in his nickel's worth and decided to nickname me Pumpkin because of my smile...imagine that. {I miss that old dude.}   I hear he raised quite a ruckus with nurses because they would only let him see me from behind the glass.  In the end, Papa got what he wanted.

Now of course, I have to ask - do you know how your name came about?  I'm all ears!

Happy Birthday Dawn!

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Stop by & wish my big sis, the OG a happy birthday.

Happy Birthday Muda ~ 1916 - 2000

Happy birthday Muda! 

Wow....I don't even know where to start.  I've already done the same thing for Mama & Daddy & theirs came to me easily, but you, well you, my dear, are in a league of your own.

Thanks to this media, a lot of people I call friend (even tho we've never met) know who you are.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  I have 2 pictures hanging in my foyer (yeah right...more like entry way) - you & mama.  You two are the 1st thing my guests see when they enter my home.  I also have a picture of you & Grandfather in my kitchen.  I like having you in there.  You did some of your best work in the kitchen.

Remember how I always slept in bed with you, even tho I had my own room at your house?  I loved being close to you.  Guess what Muda? My bed is very similar to yours...just a tad bit bigger.

Remember how I always stayed up late with you on weekends just piddling around the house or watching the late, late show?  I can hear Papa now. "Dorothy! I wish you & that gal would just go to bed!"  You'd just roll your eyes & say, "As if he has to get up & go to work."  That was so funny to me.  Papa did get up at 6 am everyday like he had somewhere to go, didn't he?

Remember when Papa was still drinking, came home drunk & angry that you didn't have his meal ready?  That was the 1st time I ever saw you two really argue.  He said, "I tell you what! You take yo kids & get the hell outta my house!"  I tearfully asked, "Where are we gonna go?"  You replied, "Girl hush & stop that crying.  He better go lay his ass down somewhere."  That's exactly what he did too.  You kept on sewing or whatever it was you were doing & didn't give him a second thought

I truly believe He put me into your hands for a reason.  All I can do is smile when I remember how you doted & bragged about me with the "oh my baby got this award & my baby got that award, my baby did this & my baby did that."  I never wanted it to stop.

I know I sorely disappointed you with that whole teenage pregnancy thing.  Truth be told, I disappointed myself.  Why do you think I hid from you when I started to show??  I couldn't bear the hurt & disappointment I knew would be in your eyes when you laid eyes on me.  Cuts like a knife comes to mind.

I will never forget you coming to hospital, not even asking how I was feeling, but asking, very sternly, "So, how many more are you going to have?"  I wanted to cry but I didn't.  Muda, as you know, that was the 1st & last time I got pregnant.  Can we say lesson learned?!

I also knew you were hurt when I dropped out of college, but at the time I felt as if I had no other choice.  I was on my way to burnout or maybe even breakdown.  Of all the foolish things I've done, I regret that the most.  Fortunately enough, I've still been able to prosper & have a successful career.  (Thank you Lord!)

When I got my last promotion, there were 3 announcements in local publications.  When I saw them, all I could think was, "I wish I could show these to Muda!" (Dammit, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it.)

Muda, I'm sure you know I was about to act a natural born fool at your funeral. Not because you were gone, but because somebody (nobody ever fessed up), didn't have enough respect for you or your child (my mother) to even mention her name on your obituary.  The simply referred to her as your "deceased child".  When I saw that, I blew a gasket & Tony had to drag me outside.  They better be glad he was there to hold it down, otherwise I can't really say what would've happened.  I hardly ever listened to anything he ever had to say, but that day he was the voice of reason. (OK I need to keep it moving because it's pissing me off once again.)

I'm sure you are well aware of all the other drama that has taken place, so I won't go into the sordid details.  I'll just say that I'm sick of it all & refuse to compromise my sanity or health because these so-called adults can't get it together.  I know it's not what you would do, but I'm not you - more like you than I care to admit, but not still not you.

I know you always worried I would never find the right man (I'm sure that's a generational thing) and I still haven't.  Surprisingly enough, I've reached the point where I'm OK with it.  I'm  glad I have the good sense not to settle for the wrong one.

Muda, I don't know if I ever told you this, but you said the one thing that hurt me the most.  I think you were trying to comb my hair or something (which was no easy task) when you said, "Your mother had to go & marry the blackest man she could find."  I know you loved my daddy & I couldn't understand what was so wrong with him that would make you say that.

I still don't know how you could be that hurtful when I know your peanut butter brown sisters did the same thing to you - "the little white girl".

I developed a complex about my skin tone & in the company of my hi-yella relatives, I felt like an outcast.   I'm past all that madness now.  I can't help but smirk when we travel & they have to lay in the sun and use products because they want to look like ME!

Well, Muda the snow & ice are melting so I'm gonna enjoy the sunshine.

I love & miss you so.  You are forever in my heart.

Love,

Monni