Happy Birthday Muda ~ 1916 - 2000

Happy birthday Muda! 

Wow....I don't even know where to start.  I've already done the same thing for Mama & Daddy & theirs came to me easily, but you, well you, my dear, are in a league of your own.

Thanks to this media, a lot of people I call friend (even tho we've never met) know who you are.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  I have 2 pictures hanging in my foyer (yeah right...more like entry way) - you & mama.  You two are the 1st thing my guests see when they enter my home.  I also have a picture of you & Grandfather in my kitchen.  I like having you in there.  You did some of your best work in the kitchen.

Remember how I always slept in bed with you, even tho I had my own room at your house?  I loved being close to you.  Guess what Muda? My bed is very similar to yours...just a tad bit bigger.

Remember how I always stayed up late with you on weekends just piddling around the house or watching the late, late show?  I can hear Papa now. "Dorothy! I wish you & that gal would just go to bed!"  You'd just roll your eyes & say, "As if he has to get up & go to work."  That was so funny to me.  Papa did get up at 6 am everyday like he had somewhere to go, didn't he?

Remember when Papa was still drinking, came home drunk & angry that you didn't have his meal ready?  That was the 1st time I ever saw you two really argue.  He said, "I tell you what! You take yo kids & get the hell outta my house!"  I tearfully asked, "Where are we gonna go?"  You replied, "Girl hush & stop that crying.  He better go lay his ass down somewhere."  That's exactly what he did too.  You kept on sewing or whatever it was you were doing & didn't give him a second thought

I truly believe He put me into your hands for a reason.  All I can do is smile when I remember how you doted & bragged about me with the "oh my baby got this award & my baby got that award, my baby did this & my baby did that."  I never wanted it to stop.

I know I sorely disappointed you with that whole teenage pregnancy thing.  Truth be told, I disappointed myself.  Why do you think I hid from you when I started to show??  I couldn't bear the hurt & disappointment I knew would be in your eyes when you laid eyes on me.  Cuts like a knife comes to mind.

I will never forget you coming to hospital, not even asking how I was feeling, but asking, very sternly, "So, how many more are you going to have?"  I wanted to cry but I didn't.  Muda, as you know, that was the 1st & last time I got pregnant.  Can we say lesson learned?!

I also knew you were hurt when I dropped out of college, but at the time I felt as if I had no other choice.  I was on my way to burnout or maybe even breakdown.  Of all the foolish things I've done, I regret that the most.  Fortunately enough, I've still been able to prosper & have a successful career.  (Thank you Lord!)

When I got my last promotion, there were 3 announcements in local publications.  When I saw them, all I could think was, "I wish I could show these to Muda!" (Dammit, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it.)

Muda, I'm sure you know I was about to act a natural born fool at your funeral. Not because you were gone, but because somebody (nobody ever fessed up), didn't have enough respect for you or your child (my mother) to even mention her name on your obituary.  The simply referred to her as your "deceased child".  When I saw that, I blew a gasket & Tony had to drag me outside.  They better be glad he was there to hold it down, otherwise I can't really say what would've happened.  I hardly ever listened to anything he ever had to say, but that day he was the voice of reason. (OK I need to keep it moving because it's pissing me off once again.)

I'm sure you are well aware of all the other drama that has taken place, so I won't go into the sordid details.  I'll just say that I'm sick of it all & refuse to compromise my sanity or health because these so-called adults can't get it together.  I know it's not what you would do, but I'm not you - more like you than I care to admit, but not still not you.

I know you always worried I would never find the right man (I'm sure that's a generational thing) and I still haven't.  Surprisingly enough, I've reached the point where I'm OK with it.  I'm  glad I have the good sense not to settle for the wrong one.

Muda, I don't know if I ever told you this, but you said the one thing that hurt me the most.  I think you were trying to comb my hair or something (which was no easy task) when you said, "Your mother had to go & marry the blackest man she could find."  I know you loved my daddy & I couldn't understand what was so wrong with him that would make you say that.

I still don't know how you could be that hurtful when I know your peanut butter brown sisters did the same thing to you - "the little white girl".

I developed a complex about my skin tone & in the company of my hi-yella relatives, I felt like an outcast.   I'm past all that madness now.  I can't help but smirk when we travel & they have to lay in the sun and use products because they want to look like ME!

Well, Muda the snow & ice are melting so I'm gonna enjoy the sunshine.

I love & miss you so.  You are forever in my heart.

Love,

Monni