I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, I take full responsibility for my actions. I have a love that I'd never known, several grey hairs, a trunk full of disappointments with a few proud moments sprinkled here & there, endless sleepless nights and a voicemail/email full of, "Ma, I need (insert any random amount of $$ here)". That's my boy!
As I look(ed) around at the proud mommies to be, flossing those baby bumps (and I think that is the cutest term ever) I can't help but wonder what it would've been like to be preggo & proud. At 16, I was anything but.
I contemplated telling my grandmother. I knew she'd "fix" it so I wouldn't ruin my future...after she recovered from the heart attack I would cause her.
I contemplated telling my mother (who I now know was bi-polar due to her traumatic birth & several brain surgeries) and depending on the day, that could've gone either way.
I talked it over with the donor & decided to come clean with my mother. I practiced what I was going to say & everything. I knew she was at the doctor's office & I would be ready when she got home. She comes in the door & before I could say a word, she utters, "Guess what?! I'm pregnant!" WTF?? She can't be pregnant. Her baby is 14 & I'm pregnant! Damn.....
I never fessed up. I just kept my shame to myself. She did get wise when I was puking every morning before leaving for school. She walked in on me once & bluntly asked, "Are you pregnant?" I tearfully replied, "I don't know." Hell I knew & never even took a test. She looked in my face & said, "The hell you don't! I can see it your face."
I was still in denial for 4 months. I not only disappointed myself, but my mama, grandparents, elder relatives & educators. I know I truly hurt my grandparents & after I started to show, they never saw me. I knew I wouldn't be able to take the looks in their eyes. Cuts like a knife comes to mind.
I finally came to grips with it, when I could no longer fit my own clothes (I wasn't skinny but on the trim & slim side) had to start wearing the donors clothes...back when short sets were in. I can say I did look cute in them.
I decided I'd just face the music. I still went to school everyday, shame & all. I maintained my A- GPA, but I became one of "those girls". Fortunately, I didn't miss a beat. It was a long hot summer in the unairconconditioned STL Public School System, but I survived it.
I had my baby a week before school started back. Thank God, I didn't have to go back to school pregnant.
The saga will continue.....
