16 & Pregnant - Part II

Sunday, August 28, with my mama by my side, I gave birth to an 8lbs, 6oz. baby boy, without the aid of drugs!  I don't think you heard me!  I delivered that lil boy without drugs!  It was certainly an experience I will never forget, but one I vowed to never repeat.  I was way too young & the whole experience - pregnancy, labor, episiotimy & natural delivery, left me a tad bit jaded. 

After all was said & done, my mother was on the phone passing along the word that we were OK.  However, when she called my grandparents, I got sick to the stomach.  I was not ready to face them.  It's not like me & baby could just disappear but I sure did wish we could.

My mama & the donor stayed at the hospital until they kicked them out.  Before she left she told me the grands would be stopping by tomorrow.  As much as I loved those old folks, they were the last people in the world I wanted to see.

The next afternoon, I heard my grandmother's voice in the hall asking, "Where is she?"  The disappointment was still in her voice.  They walked in & she had a look in her eyes that I will never forget.  I swear I wanted to vomit, but I held it together.  She just stared at me for a moment, and when she did speak, all she said was, "So, how many more are you going to have?"  Even tho I was choked up, I managed to tell her that she would never have to worry about visiting me in the maternity ward....ever again.  She was still stoic.  Her expression didn't change.

Papa walked in & interjected with, "Where's John Henry?" {That is not my son's name, but that's the nic Papa gave him.}  I pointed to my baby & Papa picked him up & started talking to him.  I don't even recall what he was saying I was just glad my grandma wasn't talking.  Papa looked at me and said, "I'll help you with this one, but you better make damn sure you have a good husband before you bring me another one."   I smiled at Papa and said, "I promise."

The next day, I named my baby & was asked about circumcision.  I had to call my mama & grandparents because I didn't know what to do.  All parties said, "snip him".  So it was ordered.  I didn't bother to ask his father because he was a lil ticked that I didn't name my baby after him.  Whatever,dude.  He already knew that wasn't happening, but I guess he thought I'd have a change of heart.

5 nights in the hospital and fast forward to our 1st night at home.  Up until about a month before I delivered, I shared a bedroom with my sister, but she went to live with our grandparents.  That 1st 2:00 am feeding had him crying & me too!   Back then, the babies didn't spend 24/7 in the room with mom.  They spent the nights in the nursery.  That was such a rude awakening for me.  Welcome to post-partum depression.

To be continued....

 

16 & Pregnant - Part I

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  However, I take full responsibility for my actions.  I have a love that I'd never known, several grey hairs, a trunk full of disappointments with a few proud moments sprinkled here & there, endless sleepless nights and a voicemail/email full of, "Ma, I need (insert any random amount of $$ here)".  That's my boy! 

As I look(ed) around at the proud mommies to be, flossing those baby bumps (and I think that is the cutest term ever) I can't help but wonder what it would've been like to be preggo & proud.  At 16, I was anything but. 

I contemplated telling my grandmother.  I knew she'd "fix" it so I wouldn't ruin my future...after she recovered from the heart attack I would cause her.

I contemplated telling my mother (who I now know was bi-polar due to her traumatic birth & several brain surgeries) and depending on the day, that could've gone either way.

I talked it over with the donor & decided to come clean with my mother.  I practiced what I was going to say & everything.  I knew she was at the doctor's office & I would be ready when she got home.  She comes in the door & before I could say a word, she utters, "Guess what?!  I'm pregnant!"  WTF??  She can't be pregnant.  Her baby is 14  & I'm pregnant!  Damn.....

I never fessed up.  I just kept my shame to myself.  She did get wise when I was puking every morning before leaving for school.  She walked in on me once & bluntly asked, "Are you pregnant?"  I tearfully replied, "I don't know."  Hell I knew & never even took a test.  She looked in my face & said, "The hell you don't! I can see it your face."

I was still in denial for 4 months.  I not only disappointed myself, but my mama, grandparents, elder relatives & educators.  I know I truly hurt my grandparents & after I started to show, they never saw me.  I knew I wouldn't be able to take the looks in their eyes.  Cuts like a knife comes to mind.

I finally came to grips with it, when I could no longer fit my own clothes (I wasn't skinny but on the trim & slim side) had to start wearing the donors clothes...back when short sets were in.   I can say I did look cute in them.

I decided I'd just face the music.  I still went to school everyday, shame & all.  I maintained my A- GPA, but I became one of "those girls".  Fortunately, I didn't miss a beat.  It was a long hot summer in the unairconconditioned STL Public School System, but I survived it.

I had my baby a week before school started back.  Thank God, I didn't have to go back to school pregnant.

The saga will continue.....