I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, I take full responsibility for my actions. I have a love that I'd never known, several grey hairs, a trunk full of disappointments with a few proud moments sprinkled here & there, endless sleepless nights and a voicemail/email full of, "Ma, I need (insert any random amount of $$ here)". That's my boy!
As I look(ed) around at the proud mommies to be, flossing those baby bumps (and I think that is the cutest term ever) I can't help but wonder what it would've been like to be preggo & proud. At 16, I was anything but.
I contemplated telling my grandmother. I knew she'd "fix" it so I wouldn't ruin my future...after she recovered from the heart attack I would cause her.
I contemplated telling my mother (who I now know was bi-polar due to her traumatic birth & several brain surgeries) and depending on the day, that could've gone either way.
I talked it over with the donor & decided to come clean with my mother. I practiced what I was going to say & everything. I knew she was at the doctor's office & I would be ready when she got home. She comes in the door & before I could say a word, she utters, "Guess what?! I'm pregnant!" WTF?? She can't be pregnant. Her baby is 14 & I'm pregnant! Damn.....
I never fessed up. I just kept my shame to myself. She did get wise when I was puking every morning before leaving for school. She walked in on me once & bluntly asked, "Are you pregnant?" I tearfully replied, "I don't know." Hell I knew & never even took a test. She looked in my face & said, "The hell you don't! I can see it your face."
I was still in denial for 4 months. I not only disappointed myself, but my mama, grandparents, elder relatives & educators. I know I truly hurt my grandparents & after I started to show, they never saw me. I knew I wouldn't be able to take the looks in their eyes. Cuts like a knife comes to mind.
I finally came to grips with it, when I could no longer fit my own clothes (I wasn't skinny but on the trim & slim side) had to start wearing the donors clothes...back when short sets were in. I can say I did look cute in them.
I decided I'd just face the music. I still went to school everyday, shame & all. I maintained my A- GPA, but I became one of "those girls". Fortunately, I didn't miss a beat. It was a long hot summer in the unairconconditioned STL Public School System, but I survived it.
I had my baby a week before school started back. Thank God, I didn't have to go back to school pregnant.
The saga will continue.....
You know I can relate...
ReplyDeleteI got pregnant senior year and had my self fooled into thinking I had eaten a bad chicken pot pie from KFC. My mom knew too from the throwing up in the morning and took me to the doctor and she damn near passed out in the doctor's office when he said I was indeed pregnant. I think that was the most disappointed she has ever been in me. I could see it all over her face and in every word she said to me for the next two weeks.
And honestly with her telling my aunts and uncles and other family members it made me feel so bad because I felt like my mom wanted ppl to look down on me..and that kind of made me look down on myself.
I lost my full scholarship and if it wasnt bad enough that I messed up my education but I also picked a fool to have a child with.....
the saga does continue, but like you said, there are moments when you realize that there are some memries that you wouldn't trade for the world when it comes to your baby
Wow, interesting perspective. I'm on a debate board where we've talked about what we would do as parents if our teenagers came home pregnant. Stories like these always interest me. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: Was abortion not an option in your family? I'm not trying to be funny or anything (please dont take it the wrong way), but I do know that some families just dont "do" abortion. You made the decision to keep the baby early on or were you in "denial" too long to do anything about it? Just wondering.
Abortion was out of the question as far as my mother was concerned. Had I told my grandmother, she would've been on the phone making an appointment. On one hand I knew I had fucked up and wanted to terminate the pregnancy because I knew life as I had planned would be over? On the other hand, I could hear my mother saying, "What if I had aborted you?"
ReplyDeleteAll kinds of things were going thru my head. One thought that never escaped me was that I would be signing my ticket to hell (thanks to my Baptist upbringing) if I killed this baby simply because I didn't want him.
I was on the fence & still contemplated it for a while. My mother didn't tell me grandmother right away because she knew what she would do. Needless to say, one day I woke up and it was too late. He was here to stay.
You know what's so sad...is that I remember wanting love so bad at that age that I WANTED to get pregnant. (God takes care of fools and well...babies) LOL
ReplyDeleteI had unprotected sex with the my 1st (and only til I was 21) and would secretly hope I'd gotten pregnant. I now know that it was dumb of me. Young ladies, like yourself and other teen moms were going through all kinds of emotions because you WERE pregnant, feeling alone and ashamed. I don't think I would've survived it. LITERALLY. My mother would have either killed me physically or I would have died from the judgment of my family.
Nice blog. Thanks for sharing.
see that statement jumps out at me in a huge way. I was lucky my Mom was very loving, so I never had to fill that void, but I feel for the young ladies out there that do!!! Because they think by having sex they will fill that void of love they seek.
ReplyDeleteMsMo this blog probably represents feelings other women dealt with when they discovered they were pregnant.
ReplyDeleteYou know when my my mama finally told my granny, her reply was, "This wouldn't be happening if Frank (my daddy) were still alive." Now that I'm a little older & a little wiser, I tend to agree.
ReplyDeleteI remember what it was like being in high school and a chick came up pregnant. In my freshman year of 1989-1990 there was still a stigma attached to it. By my senior year of 1992-1993 that stigma was pretty much gone. Chicks were still frontin like they weren't fucking back then but when one came up pregnant, their friends would be sought after because guys felt that if this chick is fucking, her friends gotta be fucking too!!! And more often than not, that assumption was correct.
ReplyDeleteI was blessed that I didn't have any kids while in high school. The females that were potentials back then are not the kind that today I would be proud to call my baby momma. I do know that the females I knew back in the day who got knocked up are now kicking themselves because their baby daddies didn't turn out to be worth shit. And here I am....I'm not judging them, thats not my job....I just point and laugh!!!
Holla Black!!!
Why is that? Is it because they purposely got pregnant & are paying the price? I'm trying to understand this one......
ReplyDeleteYou have such a way with words and storytelling. I'm very interested in reading the next installment.
ReplyDeleteI did not have Maia till I was 28, I seriously give alot of respect to people who were able to parent and raise their children at such a young age. I would not want it for my daughter or son **sprinkling birth control pills in her juice at 15** but to get pregnant and deal with the outcome takes a mighty strong person indeed.
ReplyDeleteAbortion is not a choice in my family. Not at all. Neither is adoption. If I had gotten preggers, I woulda been a mama.
My mom was and still is detached emotionally from me, my father was on drugs and alcohol @ the time. I had my grandma, but my PARENTS (specifically my mother) weren't really there the way I needed. That void would have NOT been filled by a baby in need of MY love. I know that NOW...but back then, I wanted to be a mom.
ReplyDeleteOnce they got past the intial shock & disappointment, I had a great support system. Believe me when I say I thank GOD I had my mother, grandparents & paternal aunt! I don't even wanna think about what could've been if I didn't have them.
ReplyDeletewow reading this im even more greatful that my parents r my parents. last year my niece came to us to tell us she was pregnant and we all stepped up to support her...her mom was pissed and her biological dad damn near disowned her for a few months but came around the last couple months of her pregnancy and her stepdad was disappointed at 1st but never let it show im not sure if nikki woulda made it through w/o the excessive support from us. she was extreamly worried about what my parents were gonna think she didnt wanna let her grandparents dwn....
ReplyDeleteWell, the girls I knew weren't getting pregnant by the smart people. They weren't getting pregnant by the jocks...for the most part. They were getting pregnant by the gang members and drug dealers; people who back then were seen as strong or 'real men' because they were making retarded amounts of money at such a young age and people were respecting them...mostly out of fear. But as time went by, that gravy train ended and these guys had no other discernible talent other than selling drugs or intimidation for their gang which by the time this was discovered, these guys had a handful of baby mommas and babies that weren't being taken care of. Now that I'm in my 30's and run into some of these women, I see how the choices they made at 14 15 16 had lifetime ramifications. Some have learned their lesson and I applaud them. Some though still look for the same kind of man they were looking for in high school...and I laugh at their asses!!!
ReplyDeleteHolla Black!!!!
I feel you on this blog.. I got pregnant at 18, I was in my freshman year of college. I was throwing up. I thought it was from a stomach virus. I was also on birth control. my period had stopped because of the birthcontol. (Birthcontrol automatically stops my period. That's why I don't use it now.) I had a Dr's appt for my check up. Guess what I'm pregnant. I was 3 months along, almost 4. I told my mother via phone cause I didn't want her to kill me in person. She quickly made that appt. Because I only had a week before it was too late. On the day of the appt. I couldn't do it. I cried my eyes out. She didn't understand my decision. She was mad. But later on she supported me especially after she found out I was having a boy. I have all sisters. My son was born and that's her heart. I was so happy to her support and my ex 'support.
ReplyDeleteOne thing my mother told me, Having a child doesn't stop no show. It might slow you down a bit. Let it be a inspiration, to acheive everything you want.
i too was pregnant in high school.......i had an aborton and my mom made him go with us...thank you big sis for sharing with us. i for one am honoured.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that I had my first at 22 and my experience wasn't alot different, I was just older.
ReplyDeleteI WAS 27 A HOMEOWNER AND FELT MY WORLD WAS 'TOGETHER' YET I WAS STILL SCARED TO TELL MY MOTHER ..
ReplyDeleteLawd, i can soooooo relate! imagine goin to an all girl catholic school? *smh*
ReplyDeletelookin forward to Pt 2.
I can't even imagine what you could have been going through but it seemed really sad and scary at the same time.
ReplyDeleteIM GLAD YOU HELD UR HEAD UP N STILL WENT TO SCHOOL
ReplyDeleteMonni I am so glad you made the decisions you made. I think God made you perfectly. Had you not had a baby at that age who knows what type of person you would have become. You are one of the most compassionate, caring and loving people I know. Our lives are sometimes shaped for us and not us doing the shaping of our lives.
ReplyDeleteHell I was 25, Had a job, was living at home, had money I was set so I thought..lol and then I married the dang daddy when my baby was 5 months old. What a hellified mistake.
ReplyDeleteI can definately relate, Kiwi. Ain't God good?
ReplyDeleteMine is too in a way. I know she loves and cares about me, but my father really hurt my mother and she had these "walls" up...and unfortunately, I was on the wrong side of the wall, emotionally. As for "stuff", I had a whole bunch of stuff...never lacked for anything ... but emotionally, I was starved for my mother's affection. We are now as I have gotten older, but man .. I really needed it growing up. I had found out a few years ago ( I blogged it on 360) that I was suppose to be aborted ... and no one really comforted me about that. I already feel like, at times, that I am not a part of the family -- that definately didn't help.
ReplyDelete