I've known Nita all my life. We grew up across the street from each other. Our uncles were running buddies before we were born.
Ironically, I met Linda thru Nita. Linda is the paternal aunt to Nita's 2 older children. I met her almost 2 decades ago. I'm actually closer to Linda. We have more in common.
As life would have it, my friendships with them both hit a rough spot & took a while to recover. Allow me to share & you should feel free to comment.
Let me preface this portion of the story by stating I've done some dirt in my time, so I'm not judging & this particular incident was about 14 years ago (before my dirt went down).
When Nita's kids were 5, 3 and almost 2, she was seeing a married man, regularly. I was totally against the whole situation, but I was more against her allowing her children to actually get to know this man. I felt and still feel like if you choose to be an adulterer, no one should know but the two parties involved. Not your kids, not your family, not your friends, well maybe your BFF for safety reasons, but no one else.
It was understood that we'd always have each others back, but knowing my friends the way I do, I made it clear that if some bullshit ever went down about their relationship with somebody else's husband, I am not & will not be involved. Period.
Nita & her kids were in the grocery store & she spotted him. She noticed he was with a woman who was later determined to be his wife. They played it off & she went in the opposite direction. As luck would have it, her daughter saw him & ran over to him. Of course the wife wanted to know who this child belonged to & how she knew her husband.
The wife (and her sister or cousin) approached Nita and asked how she knew her husband. Some words were exchanged, but didn't get violent.
When Nita called me & filled me in, my reply was, "Why are you telling me? I knew this was bound to happen." She said,"That bitch & her sister/cousin act like they wanted to jump me & I don't think it's over!" I replied, "Well dawg, that's an ass whuppin' you will take alone. I'm not fighting any woman over any man, let alone her damn husband!" She hung up on me.
I later found out she called several mutual friends about our falling out and the vote was split 50/50. Half said I wasn't really her friend & should've had her back no matter what. The other half said I gave her fair warning so she shouldn't have been surprised. One went on to say, "No, she wouldn't have been your friend if she told you she had your back and then let you get yo ass kicked." As far as I was concerned, this chic was on the money!!
We didn't speak for 6 months. I did call on her daughter's birthday & left a message for the kid. She called me back & let me talk to her. The kid was whining that she missed me & wanted to come to my house. I told her I would come pick her up if her mama said it was ok. She did.
I went to pick her up & we picked up also. Neither ever bringing up the day we fell out.
Did I say she continued seeing this dude? Well she did, but I never said nary a word about him & neither did she.
We are still friends to this day & probably will be for the rest our lives.
Knowing you like I know you, I KNOW this story went down just as you said. If she knew that much longer, I KNOW she knew you meant what you said and if you've given her fair warning (you don't bite your tongue when it comes to something that may possibly hurt your friend or family member) then it's all on her.
ReplyDeleteYou were/are right about this situation.
I think a lot of friendships take heat when people have disagreements over morally-based principles. Ole girl knew you weren't co-signing her BS, and you stood on principle (and not like it matters but I agree with you).
ReplyDeleteIn the past when I've been involved with things that my BFF's didn't support, we didn't talk about it much, and when things blew up my in face they were supportive without being terribly snide with the "I told you so's" ... it was more of a "well.. you kinda knew it was coming so what do you do NEXT."
Well, not because I like you but because it's true...YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! I'm a grown woman and I am NOT FIGHTING any other grown woman over HER husband. Period. If someone is really my friend they would know not to even approach me with mess like that.
ReplyDeleteI have had falling outs with my best friends and we have always seemed to make up to some degree. I guess it just comes with being an adult and being able to agree to disagree.
friendships can be very touchy...i've had my fair share, and i have some trust issues that have stemmed from certain encounters...i've had friends to screw my man...i've have friends to not pay me back when they said...and the list can go on and on...but one thing remains constant, i'm there if they ever call me...i'm not one to hold grudges...being a friend to those that have caused you harm is not easy, but knowing i did my part...in the long run i had to re-define my deifinition of a friend and i don't have very many that i allow in my circle...let's not even talk about family members...*smirk*
ReplyDeletei was always taught to stand for something or fall for anything, and i'd say you stood your ground...just like in grade school, when someone told you, you weren't their friend because you wouldn't do what they wanted you to do or say...that person doesn't want a friend they wanted a puppet...i can't play that role honey...
i's say you handled yourself well...you stayed true to who/what was important, yourself...not saying you always omit people, but i'm not sacrificing myself for that of another...
I think that so many people take the word friendship out of context. I think that your decision was the best way to go. It would have been foolish to get involved in something that really had nothing to do with you and as your friend she shouldn't have expected that of you. Friends have disagreements all the time, but after the smoke clears rhe friendship will still be intact. Its good that you two remained friends after all that happened because some are not as fortunate.
ReplyDeleteI kind of had a falling out with one of my friends a while ago. He is the type of person that feels like if he is upset with someone then everybody else has to be upset with them also. So he basically had a falling out with one of our other boys and expected the rest of his friends to do so also. But I wouldnt' do that because he hadn't done anything to me so I saw no reason for me to osctricize him for something going on between them(that had nothing to do with me)
ReplyDeleteI have been involved in situations like that also. Those can be hard when you are trying to stay neutral.
ReplyDeleteYou are one blessed lady to have friends for that long of a time. Moving around like I did then being involved in other things I cannot say I have had friends for that long of a period. But you did see that true friendship finally conquered the problem.I believe in any type of relationship you will have falling outs but it is the mark of true friends to overcome the problem.
ReplyDelete