Happy Mother's Day Ma

Dear Mama,

I cry as I write this, but I have to do this for my own healing. I never realized how much I loved & needed you until you were gone.

There's so much I want & need to say, I doubt I'll be able to gather my thoughts & compose them. This isn’t gonna flow like I want it to, but it’s how my thought pattern is going at this particular moment.

Thanks to the Internet, a lot of people are well aware of who you are, what you were like & even what kind of music you loved. For some strange reason, a blog I had written about you would appear on almost a weekly basis. People I only know by name & photos would send their love & believe me when I say it's always sincere and heartfelt. Most of them didn't/don't me from Eve, but the sincerity was all the same. Some of them say I look like you, but I still think I look like Daddy.

It's been almost 10 years since I last heard your voice, saw your face or heard you cuss somebody out. I'd give anything just to hear you say, "You must think you're a Rockefeller or somebody" when I'd go overboard on my shopping sprees.

When we lost you we were literally destroyed. I hated my own sister for bringing that bastard into our lives. Ma, our relationship still hasn't recovered...I doubt it ever will.

I knew that one day I would more than likely have to bury you, but I had no idea of the hour and that it would come so soon. Adrian was too young to understand and Lonnie couldn't even talk yet. Adrian kept asking for you and we had no idea of what to tell him. How do you tell a 3-year old that his grandmother was killed? Most of that time is blur and I don't even recall how we handled it. Mama we were lost.

One day I was sitting looking at photos with tears streaming down face when Lonnie came & hugged me and said, "Auntie Monni, I'm sorry your mama died." All I could do was hug him back & cry. He knows you were his granny, we made sure of that, but he doesn't remember you. Sometimes we talk about you & we can laugh until it hurts and other times we cry until our eyes run dry because it hurts so badly.

Not a day goes by that you aren't in my thoughts. I have your picture hanging in my faux foyer. Your face, along with Muda's, is the 1st thing people see when they enter my home. I want people to recognize the 2 women who are responsible for me being the woman I am today.

A lot of people have asked and more have probably wondered how I could stand to look at your pictures everyday. I almost felt like I didn't have a choice. I just couldn't pack what I had left of you into a box as if you never existed. You know how important pictures are to this family. We or should I say, y'all have almost come to blows over pictures. I know about the falling out you & Denise had about the 1957 family photo. Don't be mad, but I gave her the small one.

Mama, there are so many things that I'm learning as I grow. So many things you taught me have stuck with me. I'm 36 years old & I'm still learning, growing, loving and hurting.

Ma, there was/is (hell, even I'm confused) a man in my life that I love so much I can barely see straight.  I don't know what you would've thought of him, but he's right up Muda's alley - tall, dark, handsome, educated & strapping (as she would've said).  We've had our ups & downs, but something in my heart just won't let go.  It's like its out of my control & you know me - I cannot stand that feeling. 

It's times like this when I remember seeing you going thru things I didn't quite understand and the only thing you could say to me was, "Keep on living little girl."  Ma, I now know......I know.

Remember when you taught me how to write checks, pay the rent & use an ATM machine? One of things that always seems to stick with me is when you said, "If you don't pay anything else, pay your rent! You could be in the dark, but at least you'll be on the inside."

Remember when you kinda sorta taught us how to gamble playing Old Maid & Black Deuce for the spare change in your purse? You always let us win.

Remember when you would pack my lunch everyday, in my Disney School Bus lunchbox, because I wouldn't eat the school lunch? You always made sure I had my Swiss Miss chocolate pudding. I can't stand pudding now.

Remember when I asked you for Jordache jeans? You asked how much they cost & I told you $40. You didn't even bother to answer, you just igged me. Now I know why! I've given your 1st born grandchild that exact same look & treatment.

Remember when you taught us how to do the "Bump"? I still listen to Joe Tex and think of those times. I got my love for good music, not most of this crap they make today, from you. I was always trying to mimic the way you could snap your fingers. Those jokers sounded like firecrackers. I still haven't mastered it.

Remember when you caught me lighting a cigarette & you never said word? You wanted me to learn a lesson. All I can say is lesson learned! That was the 1st and last one I touched.

Remember when you would brag that you never had to force your girls to go to school or do homework? I remember the look on your face when talking to the other parents who had issues with their kids. Well mama, today, I am one of those other parents. I honestly believe that all the counseling in the world will never help my son get over losing you, his best friend. I know if I had lost Muda in that manner and at that age, I'd be more messed up than I already am. Mama, will you & daddy look after him? Please?

Remember how I hated all of your boyfriends, with the exception of Bill? I never even gave them a chance & even though you never said anything, I know I drove a few of them away and I did so purposely & gladly. I felt like since my daddy was dead and Bill was gone you should've just been happy with us. Mama, now that I'm grown ass woman, I know you had needs that your daughters just couldn't fulfill. I am so sorry for being such a selfish brat, more so if it cost you any form of happiness.

Remember when I went into labor? You never left my side. The boy's father missed his birth because you sent him to get you something to eat and his hooptie broke down. Still you never left my side. I remember the nurse saying, "8 pounds, 6 ounces" and you yelled "Ha Mercy! We don't do small babies!"

Remember when I got the keys to my 1st apartment? Even tho my crib was right across from yours I was determined to get the hell outta your house. I carried what I could & put the rest in my baby's wagon. You said, "You don't have to move all your stuff right away." I thought, "The hell! I'm getting outta here…tonight!" Even tho I was technically on my own, you were never more than a phone call or a shout away. I even remember you telling my son to take his worrisome ass home when he refused to leave your house.

Remember when my baby had hernia surgery? I think you got on the nurse's nerves. Before he made it to recovery, they told me his grandmother was calling every 30-45 minutes for an update.

Remember when you found out I was having sex & you asked if the [future] donor was my 1st & I said yes? I lied. He was the 4^th . *smh in shame* C’mon Ma, you had to know about me & Darren. We were left unsupervised way too many times. I guess you trusted me..or him…or us. Well, he was the 3^rd. No sense in confessing to the 1^st and 2^nd, it would only tick you off.

Even tho you were on a fixed income, you managed to keep a few bucks in your wallet at all times. I can’t begin to count the times I had to come to you for gasoline money & I had a job!

Mama, we didn't always have the best mother/daughter relationship and it did bother me at times. I always thought you favored Angel over me. Now I know, I was always more independent than I should've been and sometimes you just let me be. Angel was the baby & just needed more attention than me. Muda said we were too much alike, but to this day, I respectfully disagree, although I do have some of your tendencies.

I will always regret the day, I didn't come over like you wanted me to. Maybe if I did, things would've been different. I know what happened was out of my control, but still I can't help but wonder.

I constantly ask myself why do bad things happen to good people. Even tho you talked a big game, we all knew you wouldn't maliciously harm a fly & you didn't deserve to die the way you did.

Do you know your siblings decided not to tell Muda what happened to you & Tyra? They were afraid it would kill her. It's not like she had any kind of quality of life at that point anyway, but since I was just her grandchild I kept quiet. However, a few people saw Aleta whispering in her ear & they believe she told Muda what happened, against the wishes of her children.

Remember you always said you never wanted a whole lotta sad singing & flower bringing? I guess you know by now that we didn't honor that request. Ma, the whole community was shaken. How could I turn down their requests to show their love & support? Call me crazy, but I'd rather have you mad at me.

There were so many people at your service. Some I knew, some I didn't. Some who knew you since grade school, some who met you just as recently as a few weeks prior to. Family, friends, co-workers, neighbors & strangers. I was told the procession to the cemetery was several miles long.

At the repast, I had one request and that was for someone play some Al Green and they did. We ate, drank, laughed & cried to the tunes of Al, Marvin, Aretha, Millie & few other of your favorites. I hope that makes up for sad singing & flower bringing.

You didn't always take the best care of your diabetes & that so worried me. However, I'm glad you did what you wanted to do (like drinking 2 litre Pepsi's everyday) and you were happy while you were here.

Until we meet again,

Your 1^st born,

Monni XOXOXO

PS Thank you for overruling daddy’s attempt to name me Jennifer Lynn.